Before I got pregnant with my son, I was a very different person. I was young and dumb. I drank, I stayed out until 3 am, I slept in my car a few times. However, finding out that I was pregnant was the happiest day of my life. For the first time I felt like I had a purpose, like my life wasn’t a waste. Before I got pregnant, I was depressed and anxious about going nowhere with my life. Then throughout my pregnancy I was depressed and anxious about if I was going to be a good mom or if I was going to turn out like my mom. Instead of being carefree and reckless, I was constantly worrying and stressing. When my son was born, I was depressed and anxious about if I was giving him a good enough life. I still stress and worry constantly about if I’m giving him a good enough life and I’m always trying my hardest to give him a better life. But along the way of worrying about him and the life I was giving him; I lost who I was. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Parts of who I was needed to go in order for me to be a good mom. But some parts of me would make me an even better mom. Like the part of me that was always trying to make new recipes and baking banana bread every day. Or the part of me that was close to my friends. Or the part of me that was close with my family. But now, I lost one of my best friends in the whole world… I still have Lexi, and I’m so incredible grateful for her. I don’t think she’ll ever understand how much she really means to me. I’m also not close to my dad or my little sister anymore. My dad and I disagree about certain aspects of my life. I moved out of his house long before I got pregnant and ever since we just haven’t seen eye to eye. And because of that I’m not super close to my sister anymore. She’s 8 now and I still see her sometimes but it’s not the same.
My Goal now is to become my own person again. I don’t want to JUST be Caton’s mom or Jc’s girlfriend. I want to be Ayanna. I want to be creative again. I want to be independent and strong and capable again. I still enjoy cooking and baking. I also love photography. Lexi is helping me pursue that hobby a little more and I’m super excited for some of the projects we have planned. I’m hoping that I can make a living with this blog and the photography thing so I can still be Caton’s mom on top of being my own person and pursuing my dreams. I want to be a present parent. Early in 2024 I had a fulltime job, and it took a major toll on my mental health. I was working 50 hours a week, but I felt like I had no time to be a parent and to be my own person. I felt intensely guilty like I was missing so much of my son’s life and unable to pursue my own hobbies. I was crying myself to sleep every night and I had very little patience with Caton because of how tired I was. Now, Jc’s working fulltime while I’m a fulltime mom trying to pursue her dreams. If I can show Caton that no matter what obstacles come my way, I still succeeded in something I love then I will feel like I succeeded as a mom. Things like that are very important to me. I want to show him that you can do what you love for a living. I think it’s important for you to love what you do. What’s the point if you don’t?
I hope soon I can show you all some of my work whether that’s a recipe I made or some photos I took. Maybe my confidence and motivation will come back so I can share my passions with all of you.